Really, Twilight? Really?

The fact that the second Twilight flick is being released this weekend reminded me; I hate Twilight. I don't even know how I made it through the first book. I must have blacked out until the end. The uninspiring, complete disappointment, "Guess I shouldn't be too surprised after reading the rest of this stupid book" ending. I hate it so much that I'm not even going to finish this blog post I'm writing about it.

Here are some of my major problems with this series. And by "series" I mean "first book." Because I didn't read the series.

1. Vampires do not have souls. How could a vampire love? He's a vampire! A blood-sucking, life-taking, demon-infested vampire! Last I checked, creatures of the devil have little time for snowball fights and giggles. They're evil, not sad. (Note: the only exception to this rule comes from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, in which the restoration of a vampire soul is a horrible, incredibly painful exercise. You want that soul? You gotta earn it, friend. With your blood. And your fifty-ton guilt.)


2. Vampires do not like women who are accident prone. They have enough problems on their hands; watching out for sunlight, finding enough blood, running from angry mobs, avoiding things made out of wood. Do you have any idea how much vampires hate having to buy nothing but Playskool children's furniture?! It sucks! (Ha.) They have a lot going on, and they do not have time to make sure little Bella doesn't accidentally fall down a rocky cliff and bash her face out against a cast metal statue of goat that's on fire. Mortal people don't have time for this nonsense, and the worst thing most of us have to worry about is leg cramps.

2. Vampires do not go into the sunlight. This is a fundamental rule. You just crashed right through every interesting storyline challenge, and therefore every engaging conflict and resolution as well, Stephanie Meyer, you sappy hack. Which brings me to my next point.


3. Vampires do not sparkle. My Little Ponies sparkle, and even then, only those who are the pinnacle of the especially effeminate breed have the gall to do it. Vampires only do three things; they grow fangs, they drink blood, and they brood. They do not sparkle.

4. Bella is so annoying. This has nothing to do with vampires. But still. Good Lord.

5. Vampires do not play vampire baseball. The only sport they play is "Kick the Head When it Comes Off the Spike We Put it On Last Night During Our Hell-Raising Blood Bender." Do you see Angel or Bill Compton rushing right out in sweat pants and wicking jerseys to go bat around a ball? No! They're too busy killing things!  This is all so