The Droid is here. And it will destroy you.

So Motorola's new Droid phone dropped today. Now, I haven't used the thing, nor have I spent hours mentally caressing it with my longing and washing it in the tears of my yearning (Patrick), but even so, I think I have this thing figured out.  And what I've figured out is this:  The Droid is the most terrifying murder-phone to ever be unleashed on America.  

I learned this from Motorola's latest Droid commercial.  If you haven't seen it, let me set the scene:

A fleet of Soviet uber-stealth flying terrors scream through the sky over small-town America.  Reason: Russians have had it with Nebraska.  The planes break off, heading toward their respective targets, which for some reason are elderly cowboys.  As they tear through the sky, the planes open their bays to reveal racks of oversized, self-guiding, nano-technology pod missiles that are released with extreme prejudice and splinter down through the heavens at Billy Fred's Dirt Ranch and Sally Jim Mae's Gas Station and Cornatorium.

These clever little Communistic missiles plow into the earth with tremendous force, just a few feet shy of obliterating houses, trucks, fishing boats (fishing boats? In Nebraska?), and horses.  Yes!  Horses!  What did horses ever do to you, comrades?!  Russians are such jerks.

But the attempted horse slaughter isn't the scariest thing about the missiles.  As the simple townsfolk approach these smoldering, watermelon-sized projectiles (great idea, by the way...what, Nebraska, you were too good to see Independence Day?!  Never approach the creepy space pods!!), the metal bastards open of their own accord!  They're artificially intelligent Soviet super-bombs!  They open their little hatches, revealing yet another, smaller hatch, which also opens, revealing the small Droid phone.  Now, I'm not one for environmental soap boxes, but seriously, Russia, you could have fit 20 of these phones in each death-pod.  Putting just one in each missile seems like a terrible waste of resources.  Spoiler Alert: I think I know why you lost the War.

That's how the commercial ends.  We can only assume that the phone (which, by the way, looks terrifyingly similar to that other famous murder-computer, Hal, from 2001: A Space Odyssey.  Coincidence?) grows atomic laser spider legs and slaughters the entire population with its data-teeth and ergonomic flame thrower application.

Don't believe me?  Check out the commercial here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o9fXYQjwR0w&feature=player_embedded

The only good news to come from this ad?  Apparently, cowboys will love this phone.