Look, let's stop screwing around here. For the last 7 years, you've completely ignored my desperate pleas for what can only be described as insatiably cool presents and instead buried me with cheap cable knit sweaters and dangerous plastic kitchen appliances made in China. Enough is enough. I'm sick of getting sweater rash and lead-based paint poisoning (what good is an electric mixer if you can't stick it in your mouth?!), and I've been especially bitter good all year, so I fully expect to cash in on seven years worth of Christmas present back-pay.
That's why this year I'm asking for a Twin Blade Turbo Ninja Raptor. And not a 1/6 scale battery-powered robotic model, either (although you do totally owe me a robot for skimping on the six foot flame-throwing battle bot I asked for in 04). I'm talking the real deal. A living, breathing, razor-toothed, high-powered, dual blade ninja assassin velociraptor.
I know what you're thinking. "How the heck am I supposed to find one of those??"
Well, don't ask me, you're the one with the fairy dust. But let's just say it would all be much easier if you would've just coughed up the Lamborghini Gallardo Time Machine I asked for last year. Funny how our mistakes come back to haunt us, isn't it? Not funny "ha ha," but funny "my life is a pit of despair."
If I wake up on Christmas morning and there's no rocket-powered flying raptor assassin ripping apart my furniture, I'm firebombing the North Pole. Seriously. I will end you and everything you stand for, including, but not limited to, happiness, generosity, and cookies. Don't make me end cookies.
Yours in Christ,
Clayton
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